Chrismas' secret
by Psad
Summary: It's Chrismas at the order HQ but Snape's comment drains all the fun out of Sirius. His deepest secret in mind, Sirius starts to act out of character. What does Abus know ? What does it have to do with the Potters ?


Well, I'm French so I apologize for any mistake, hope it's comprehensible and like we said in my country : bonne lecture !

* * *

"_Don't you dare tell me I don't know what love is Snape ! Tell me I'm a coward, tell me I'm like my family, tell me I'm a disappointment for everyone, tell me I'm a bad godfather, hex me, hell, kill me if you want but never, never say that I don't know what love is…"_

"Or what ? What will you do ? Go ask your werewolf pet to eat me… again ?"

"_No but believe me, when I'm finish with you, you'll wish I had." _

Sirius's voice was so cold and soft that everyone wonders if he was going to cry or murder Severus. His pain was so evident that Severus didn't even talk back and Dumbledore just wished the Order a merry Christmas and a good night.

* * *

"Is there something wrong Sirius ? You don't seem like yourself today ?"

Albus Dumbledore had stayed in the kitchen after the meeting. He had been worried for the young Black since he learned the truth about Pettigrew and even more tonight. Sirius was usually loud, crude and descriptive in his arguments with Snape, therefore the low and icy voice was really worrying.

"_Yeah and we all know how well you know me, right ?"_

"I like to think that I know you pretty well my boy."

"_You should go. I'm tired."_

"I can ask Poppy a dreamless potion if you have-"

"_That's not what I mean, I mean that I'm tired of you Dumbledore !"_

"Why ?"

"_Why ? Why ?!! It's fucking Christmas and I'm fucking here, in the fucking house I swore to never enter again and I can't go anywhere else. And that's your fault !"_

"I know I asked you to stay here but it isn't safe for you outside."

"_Once again, that is not what I mean. I mean how could you not give me a trial ? You know very well that the majority of our community listen to you, how could you let them sentence me without a trial ? How could you even for one second thought that I betrayed my best friend ? How, how could you Albus ?! You say you know me ? I think you don't know shit about me to think me capable of that !"_

"Perhaps I knew you to well on the contrary…"

"_What ? What do you mean ?" _

"The first time Lily went out with James, I was surprised, not that she had said yes but that he would actually go out with her. I knew that James was in love but I thought it was with someone else. And when I saw your eyes the next day, you seemed so… I think that is the reason I thought you were able to betray them."

"_You don't make any sense Albus. What did my eyes have to do with all this ?"_

"Your eyes reflected hurt and pain, so much sorrow. And… Jealousy."

"_Jealousy…"_

"It wasn't difficult to understand why, after all you were the ex lover of-"

"_ENOUGH ! You won't talk a word of that ever again, not here, not now, not ever. I promised myself a long time ago that no one else would suffer because of that. If you keep quiet, no one will ever know and no one will ever suffer. Do you understand ?"_

"But you suffer Sirius, I can see it, everybody see it even if they don't know why."

"_Perhaps but knowing the truth won't make things easier. I've made my choice at seventeen, probably the more difficult choice of my life but I have made it. And if you must know, if I have known the future, I would have made the exact same choice." _

"If I can do something to easy your pain, anything my boy, tell me."

"I don't think you can Albus, you can't revive the dead and the only thing belonging to us both has surely been destroyed when I was send to Azkaban. It's a shame, really, it was the most beautiful Chrismas ornament –a star in a snowball… It reflected what we were : young, brilliant and hopeful. Such a shame that it's lost…"

Sirius, lost in his thoughts, didn't hear Dumbledore telling him to rest, nor did he see the shining twinkle in the headmaster's eyes.


End file.
